Today, I Hope.

Emotional roller coasters are my least favorite kinds of roller coasters. My friend was shocked to hear that because she said I was "such a feeler."

I've come to realize that my emotional distress comes from desires to have something that is absent in my life. It's been an issue since I was a child. My mom said the first time I broke out of my crib was when my older brother was given my leftover macaroni. I bust out of that prison like Houdini, ran over to my brother, and sunk my teeth deep into his shoulder.

Obviously, my wants have matured a little bit since then, but even now, my fight against envy is still one of my most painful. It may be spurred on by something new that I think will satisfy me or by something I've lost. I've asked that the fight ends, but my desire to not have this struggle anymore has also caused me grief. After so many years and so many fights, I carry cuts and bruises that don't seem to heal.

Even wanting a flaw taken away has imprison me, blinded me to the hope that is mine, made me think I was unstable because I lacked instead of know that I was stable because I hoped. I'm accepting that the fight may never end, that some cuts may continue to bleed for the rest of my life, but I rest assured knowing that my feet are planted on unshakeable ground.

So today, though the thorn in my side stings a little more than usual as I'm reminded of what I lost and my heart still weighs heavily on my, my soul rejoice because through this hope I lack nothing. Indeed, I lack nothing.


"He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God."