The Case of the Missing Wood Printed, Tito's Handmade Vodka Branded Sunglasses

I have a very bad track record with sunglasses. I have owned tens of pairs since high school, which is when I decided my eyes were important enough to protect, and I have lost all of them except for the two that I currently own.

Actually, that's not true. I've lost one of the two pairs I currently own. This is the story of how I miraculously found the pair I lost.


I recently found myself sunglass-less. I had a beautiful pair of free, Samsung-branded, black matte sunglasses. I owned those for over a year, a world record for amount of time I've kept sunglasses by several months. The summer Texas sun was too much for me the following weeks, so I decided to buy a cheap pair from the first place I could think of: P. Terry's. I walked into that fast food burger place and ordered just the pair of sunglasses, no food, for I had dinner plans later that night and wanted to show up fashionable and hungry. I walked out of that burger stand, confident that my eyes were in good hands.

At the dinner, I shared the story of the weird look the lady at the counter gave me for only buying sunglasses and my grievances for always losing the ones I owned. My friend offered to give me another pair she got for free, and at our next meeting, she presented a pair of wood print, Tito's Handmade Vodka branded sunglasses. They were perfect. I love vodka. Eager to show them off, I wore them everywhere. I looked super fly. Then one fateful day, I lost them.

It was a bright day, nearly impossible to open your eyes without some shades. I had just purchased a used tent, which I had to set up in order to ensure it was a good investment. Having no backyard, I had to do this at a public park outside my apartment. I went to work, but the Texas heat turned every one of my pores like a water hose. Sweat kept dripping onto my sunglasses, rendering them useless. I took them off, placed them carefully on the ground, and kept working with my tent. Once satisfied, I quickly packed up the tent and rushed back to my apartment to replenish the liquid my body had lost.

The next couple of days, I couldn't find the Tito's glasses. I still had my P. Terry's glasses, so I didn't worry. I just assumed that they were lying around my apartment somewhere, but I kept forgetting to look for them. Finally, on the third day, I searched in vain. Then I remembered the last time I wore them. Panicked, I took my flashlight, for it was already late, and went out to the area where I last had them. I knew chances were slim. I was sure somebody would have taken them by now. I know I would have.

I got to the patch of grass under the tree where I set up my tent and scanned the area with my light. No luck. Disheartened, I shined my light in the branches just in case somebody put them up there. Nothing. I guided my light down the thin trunk, and I saw a strange sight. The tree was staring straight at me, wearing a pair of wood printed, Tito's Handmade Vodka branded sunglasses, looking super fly.

To whoever put them there, you are a better person than I. I will never know you or be able to repay you, but thank you.